GUEST COLUMN

John Nance Garner, V  is known as Jack to all his friends. Among Jack's many accomplishments, he has now written a book. He has kindly agreed to allow me to post the following excerpt from his book, titled:

 "Good, Bad, and Oh, my God!", The Life and Times of  Boudrix Orlando Raphael Ignatius Nehemiah Gateaux.

  "Boo also acted in the community theater as time and opportunity would permit. He started with a very small role in 'Seven Keys to Bald Pate'. He acted with an older man named Ray Taylor. Ray lived alone, and his passion in life was the theater.

  In one scene Ray was on the floor, when the Mayor, an actor named Gary Jackson, was supposed to kick him. They showed Gary and Ray how to do it for maximum effect. Ray was on his hands and knees. They told Gary, 'Now kick, but make sure it's low enough that only your ankle makes contact with his body.' 'Ray, when you notice his kick, push hard with your right arm and that will flip you on your back as if you had taken a terrific kick. Got it?'

  Ray and Gary signaled they understood. They got in position. Gary delivered the kick. Ray reacted as planned except when he landed on his back, the super fart of all super farts sounded forth from his body. Ray, a timid man except on stage, turned the brightest shade of red ever seen on a human face. It was five minutes before everyone stopped laughing and Ray stopped blushing. The effect worked perfectly in the real performance, but the day of the opening night the cast pleaded with Ray, 'Please don't eat any beans today!'

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  One incident that lived on with the theater crowd occurred when a fellow actor, a well-known surgeon, Dr. Marsh Long, finished up his work day with a few hits on the bottle. Dr. Long was a wonderful surgeon, and he did keep his love of alcohol under control. It was, however, a part of his personality.

  On the day of his wife Lottie's birthday, he had sent her twelve long-stemmed roses, a box of expensive chocolates, and a magnum of champagne.
  Lottie was quite happy, and was waiting for Marsh to come home, where they were going to enjoy a dinner for two that he had ordered from the caterers. It was her birthday, and Marsh did not want her to cook on this special day.
  At seven thirty Lottie heard his car pull into the driveway. She gazed into the mirror, gave her hair a final pat, and prepared to meet her husband. He opened the door, and Lottie exclaimed, 'Oh, Marsh, I love the roses and candy. The champagne looks wonderful, and it was so thoughtful of you to order our meal from the caterers'.
  Marsh answered with a short hiccup and a face-splitting grin. 'That's not all dear. For your birthday,' at this point he dropped his trousers and pointed downward, 'for your birthday I also gave myself a vasectomy!'
   Lottie was speechless, and then she expressed the first thing that came into her mind, 'Marsh, you shouldn't have.' She thought how ridiculous that sounded under the circumstances, looked at Marsh's drunken but grinning face, and burst out in loud laughter. She hugged her inebriated surgeon husband, and when her laughing subsided, she summed up the situation with, 'I bet I'm the only woman in the world that's ever had a birthday present like this.'"

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Jack has many other colorful anecdotes contained in his book. I look forward to reading them as well as the life and times of Boo.

Peace, love, and laughter,

Marilyn