I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU LOVE ME...

My mother was a beautiful woman, but a large part of her life she was very unhappy and sad, and it always showed in her expression. Many of her photos show a prominent scowl or definite frown. When she was angry, she could put the fear of the Lord in you with only a look. Ask any of her grandchildren or stepchildren. She told this little story on herself.

Mother was keeping my sister's son, Terry, for a while. He was about the age in this photo - somewhere between two and three, and had not been potty trained for very long, as Jean worked full time and had to leave that up to baby sitters. Terry had an accident, as toddlers are prone to do. (Not the kind of accident you see in this photo. He was truly an accident waiting to happen most of his childhood!) Mother was scolding him as she was cleaning him up and changing his clothes. She told me that Terry was sobbing. He looked up at her with those great big tear-filled eyes and said, "But Grandmommy, I thought you said you love me." "Of course I love you," she answered crossly. Between sobs, he then said, "You don't look like you love me." This really made my mother feel bad about her treatment of him, especially by sounding so mean to him. She really did love that little guy. I used to think he was her favorite grandchild, but that was probably because he spent more time staying with her than her other grandchildren. She definitely showed favoritism to him, and to all her grandsons for that matter. She did not get along well with her granddaughters.

This surfaced in my memory because of a TV show I watch on Monday nights. It is called "Lie to Me", and is based on the real life scientific studies of psychologist Dr. Paul Eckman. He can read clues contained in the human face, body, and voice which can accurately predict whether or not one is lying. On the TV series, the doctor uses photographs of famous people we have watched lie to deceive the American public. People like George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, and famous criminals like serial killer Ted Bundy, to name a few. The same expression might appear on every face shown when they are withholding the truth or out and out lying to us. The show is fascinating.

How many children grow up watching the adults in their lives to see if the expressions match the feelings they have expressed... and are confused with the results. When I was caring for my two grandchildren, Travis and Kelly recently, I found myself in the midst of scolding them (i.e., for jumping on the furniture) asking myself "what is my expression right now?" "Do they think I don't love them?" Then I would try to put on a big smile! But they didn't take me very seriously when I did that. Oh, my gosh... Raising children is so difficult. No wonder, as a young mother at age 18, I made a lot of mistakes. Especially when my own mother was the kind of role model she was. She didn't know better either. She was only 17 years old when she gave birth to me.

I remember having an "aha" moment when the pediatrician I took my children to had a handout of the following poem. I was desperate for training at this thing called "parenthood".

Children Learn What They Live

By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

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Just because some of us have children who are all grown up doesn't mean they no longer need our approval, praise, recognition, and acceptance. And most of all our expressions of love - even when our words do not reflect love at the moment.

Peace and love,

Marilyn